This and that

Words to Live By;
I've learned -that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.


The guys made breakfast at work this morning for all of the women in celebration of Mothers day. We had pancakes, sausage, juice, coffee, and milk.

I am always trying to write in my journal but all I think about is I am died and other people are reading my journals. That at times makes it extremely hard to be completely honest. I guess because I want to just put a good light on things and not let people know how unhappy some things have made me and now here I am writing this and anyone can read it. Do I want to do this. yes? no? maybe?

This last year has been the worst year of my life and I just keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen. After G got out of the hospital this last time I was hopeful that things might change. Particularly since he called me while in the hospital needing me and then came to see me that evening when he felt like driving again. Then we talked about my coming down for a few days but he started drinking and I just could not do it. I love him and I know he still loves me but it is all such a mess mostly because of family (his) interference. We could have worked things out if it had not been for that. I never knew people did things like that. I mean going in your house and going through all of your stuff and also taking things. I am to old to have been that innocent. The only reason I didn't see about filing charges is I was afraid it would be too much for him.He is 10 times worse than he was before I was gone. This is what his beloved family has done to him.

He said the other day he loves me and that he thinks about all the good times we had together. I told him I can't let myself think about them beause it only makes me feel worse. I walk through the Farmers Market each day to meet my ride and get depressed because I remember all the springs we did that together.

Even after all this time I am still in shock that other people actually interfered in what should have been our private lives. What kind of people do things like that?? I know his sister wants to run the lives of her entire family. She has done this before so why does everyone not see it? She even hired a detective to gain information on her daughter. She has no life of her own, but that is only her fault. She needs to get a life and maybe she wouldn't have the urge to cut herself anymore. It's his children that I totally do not understand. I loved them and thought they care for me too. I can't even trust my own judgement any longer, because I was sure fooled there.

It would have been so easy to manipulate her. I could have done it by acting needy and going to her for advise, but I would never have a life of my own again. There are times I wish I had done it. She would have been solely on my side if I had acted weak and told her the private details of our life. She would be cussing him for not treating me better, but for one thing I would not talk about him like that and two my life would have still been miserable having to keep up that facade all the time.

Wow how I do run on. Enough for today.