Standing Still and Running away

Thought for the day: Dr. Phil McGraw points out that you can lie to yourself in two ways: you can tell yourself something that is not true, or you can leave out the details you don't wish to acknowledge. Either way, you gain nothing by deceiving yourself.
I can't believe what my life has been for almost a year now. I still feel as if it is a bad dream and I will wake up. These things just do not happen. Especially to George and me. We thought we had it all were different and would love each other forever; well we still love each other and if it was up to me things would not be this way. So much of it I just do not understand. How could he/we have let this happen? I was so sure of us. We are not kids so how could 2 "old" people let this happen? I only have one word of advise "if you have something or someone you love you had better hang on tight, keep a watch and never take anything for granted (like I did) because there is going to be someone out there who is jealous of other people's happiness or have a need to control everyone just waiting to snatch it away.

I am at such a standstill day after day is passing and I am not doing anything about it except just exist. Afraid to think of the past because if I think of the happy memories it will completely destroy me. So I just exist and try not to think about any thing, but it seems like such an awful way to waste your life. Because we were always busy and going someplace on the week ends doing everything together, if I try to do anything at all that I used to like it makes me feel worse because everywhere I turn I run into a memory and wish we were doing it together.

We were so complete together that I just about shut everyone else out of my life without meaning too and now who do I turn to for understanding?? Besides I don't really want to be with anyone that also makes it all worse. So I just keep pushing everyone away, except for my kids and grandbabies. Without Mikael and the twins I don't believe I would have survived, that is if you call living like this surviving. I just stay in the house read and work puzzles to keep my mind blank. I do still enjoy going to yard sales and flea markets. I guess I am living like this because it all seems to be so unreal and crazy.

It has been worse lately because the weather makes me think of vacation and Ocracoke. I punish my self everyday by turning on the computer and looking at the lighthouse web cam and pictures on the OBX connection site. I cannot accept that we will never go there again. I need a plan. maybe by writing this down it will help me think.

It is funny when you have been together for a lot of years and certain things he does get on your nerves and then when you are apart you wonder why could you have not been more understanding. At least I realize again how important he is to me and that I should have done a better job of protecting our lives. That is another thing that makes me so mad that I could have watched this happening and let it get this far. There were signs. Judy (my beloved sister-in-law the "taker of lives") had given signs. I just did not ever think he would listen to her or that his children, my step children, would listen to her. He is sick or he would not have but his kids do not have that excuse. I look back and can practically pinpoint when she started calling and talking to them.

When I said I need a plan, I meant it I need to sit down and make one of my lists (I love lists) for an action plan and then do something about it. At least I could try. Maybe if I tell mself I have to write what I have done each day that it will seem so pitiful little that I will get busy and take some action.